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Sharddha Parav

This webpage is dedicated to the lotus feet of Shri Sudhanshu Ji Maharaj who has launched a great movement to respect the elders by instituting a tradition of reverence called Shraddha Parva, which is celebrated every year on 2^nd October, the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, now decided to be celebrated on Ganesh Chaturthi Parv.

Parent Child Relationship  A beautiful and sacred concept A need for change in outlook at both angles

This article is dedicated to the lotus feet of Shri Sudhanshu Ji Maharaj who has launched a great movement to respect the elders by instituting a tradition of reverence called Shraddha Parva, which is celebrated every year on 2^nd October, the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, now decided to be celebrated on Ganesh Chaturthi Parv.  Written by Vikram Chopra for Smaranika of Vishwa Mangal Divas, May

There was a big landlord. His son was very fond of the two oxen which were his daily companions in tilling the land, especially the elder one with whom he had grown up since his boyhood days.  One day while tilling the land the ox got hurt very seriously causing an irreparable damage to its legs.  As the son was engaged in nursing the wounds his father told him not to waste his time and money on looking after an animal 'which is not going to be useful again', and advised him let the ox die.  The son acted accordingly and killed the ox.  A few days after; the landlord himself developed the abominable and almost incurable disease - cancer.  As a result of the 'education' given by the father to his son he had now become 'mature' and 'wise' enough.  The 'utility' principle had by now become his 'philosophy' of life.  He found no 'sense' in wasting any money on the 'treatment of the inevitable'.  One night as he found his father in deep sleep he dispatched him to a still deeper sleep.  'Fortunately' or 'unfortunately' the act was 'seen' by his newly wed daughter-in-law.  Her conscience revolted against the deed and her inner self was filled with revulsion and disgust.

Once I was sitting with a friend when his uncle, aged eighty two, came there.  The uncle was full of bitterness, frustration and despair.  With the vehemence of a cynic he told his nephew how his children, three sons and one daughter, were behaving like snakes and vultures; who had eyes only on his wealth and just no care for his feelings and needs.  After he had given vent to his cynical despair, I "prepared" myself to speak to him.  Having sought his pardon and permission I repeated his statement and concluded it by an impertinent observation "You deserve it" and then repeated my statement "twice".  The uncle as well as my friend were stunned into disbelief and asked me to explain. With great humility and respect I told him that if his children were acting like snakes and vultures the fault was entirely his.  It was he who was sitting on his wealth like a snake and never spared his thought for his children.  He has accumulated a lot of wealth but he has not learnt even a fraction of the great lesson of life i.e. - Love.  I added that he might have become an expert in finances but in the process he has become a novice of life because he had not learnt the joy and beauty of giving.  One might mine gold but one may fail to discover the golden principle of life, that defines the essence of human relationship - the principle of love - the principle of giving - of sharing and caring - the sweet and sensible attitude of distributing joy and happiness to others.  The only way to get happiness is by giving it.  I quoted Emerson's thought "Wealth with a poor heart is an ugly beggar" and dared to advise him in humblest terms that if only he could open up his mind and change his attitude, enlarge his heart and unlock his lockers and share his riches with his children and grandchildren by being participative in their tears and smiles he could push away all the dark clouds of his life and bask in the sunshine of joy and happiness.  [This story is six months old - I met the 'uncle' last month - he is a much happier person.]

Sri Aurobindo says, "Selfishness is the worst disease."  When I read this statement the first time I thought of the dreadful diseases like cancer, leprosy, etc. and wondered how selfishness could be more dreadful than cancer.  But a little deep thinking brought out the true implications of Sri Aurobindo's words.  While a patient suffering from cancer may take time, sometimes even years to die, but a selfish husband or wife, friend or relative may send a bright and brilliant, happy and healthy person to death in a moment.  Selfishness admits no lingering, no delays - and worse, it may convert someone's entire life into a living death, turn the very blessedness of life into a blighted existence.  A selfish man may turn so brutish and tyrannical that he may turn his companions' daylight into a nightmare and nights into a blazing inferno.  Selfishness creates distances -alienation. A selfish husband or wife (mostly husband) sleeping on the same bed may be close as millimeters but mentally they may be thousands of miles away while a truly loving and caring life partner may be physically thousands of miles away but the very thought of the beloved can brighten and illumine one's whole self.

Selfishness always breeds arrogance.  A man may wear the best of clothes and spray the choicest perfumes and yet may stink through his behavior whereas a true man of God, a benign and loving personality, with all the ash and ruggedness of the clothes can exude fragrance of his own kind where people may feel privileged and sanctified to touch his feet and partake of the sacred ash of the blessed 'fakir'.

A common observation of life is:

Ahar nidra bhai maithunancha

Samanyam etad pashubhinavanam

Vidya hi tesham adhiko vishesho

Viyden hina pashubhi naranam.

(Hitopadesh)

[ Food, Sleep, Fear and Procreation are common among human beings and animals. Education alone differentiates man from animals. An uneducated person is no better than an animal.]

Childhood has two aspects; one benign and beautiful, the other a slave of petty self-centeredness.  In his childlike virtues of innocence, piety, simplicity and openness, child is like a saint - but in the normal worldly sense he has no concept or vision of others' needs - he knows only about his own - and this comes out in the form of childish stubbornness.  Old age is called second childhood.  Wise men spend their old age in childlike virtues of simplicity and love, while less wise persons become childish once again -petty in thought, oversensitive in reaction and stubborn in their expressions.  This journey of getting out of our self is the very basis of education - the chief test of our Education is how much we are able to impractical system of living.  That's why when the entire Europe was applauding Jeremy Bentham's definition of Welfare State as the state that ensures "the greatest good of the greatest number" as an ideal definition Mahatma Gandhi pointed out the basic shortcoming, its inhuman side by saying that a true welfare state should not only promote the greatest good of "the greatest number", it must ensure the greatest good of all. " The concept of "Sarvodaya"  (The rise of all) was born out of this lofty approach in life - the concept which was further improved by Gandhi's chief disciple Vinoba Bhave who enlarged it to the concept of "Antyodaya" - the rise of the humblest. How beautifully Peter Ushinov says, "Each one of us is responsible for everything - that happens to anybody in the world".  This mutual sensitivity is the corner stone of human culture and civilization.

Karl Marx's ways of implementation may be questionable but no human heart can doubt the justness and nobility of his concept.  That's why the three words that wrought the great French Revolution of 1789 - "Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity" reflect the true voice of humanity.  Every human being loves liberty, deserves equality and needs fraternity.  Dignity of the individual and the dignity of Labor are co-existential concepts. All labor is honorable and every human being is an esteemed person.  Once we believe in the fraternity of man, we will be careful about hurting anyone.  The whole world, the complete earth, and the entire universe is bound and sewn into one pattern. Rabindranath Tagore, himself a great artist, admires the art of the Master Artist:  The same stream of life that runs through the world runs through my veins night and day and dances in rhythmic measure.  It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth into numberless blades of grass and breaks into tumultuous waves of flowers".  He calls this "life throb of ages, dancing in my blood this moment.

With all its multiplicity - it is a Universe.  A great musical performance can be upset by one faulty note, just as a great dance performance can be marred by one false step; one pebble can disturb the calmness of an ocean; one foul act may at times, shake the elements.  Similarly, a little act of goodness or kindness can bring joy to the world just as a grievous sin against humanity may cause a moral upheaval.  St. Valentine dies for the cause of love and marriage, Jesus Christ stretches his arms across the Cross and tells people how much He loved them; and Buddha was willing to suffer for aeons on behalf of all the living creatures of the world in the universe.  His greatest comfort was to borrow the pain of others.  Vasudhaiva Kutumbkum, the entire world is our family; the size of one's world is size of one's heart.  Amongst saintly persons such attitude is common, but every human being is capable of any loftiness.  That's why sometimes we hear the notes of loftiness from unexpected quarters.

Numerous astronauts have been in the space all these years yet it was Kalpana Chawla who saw this earth from her spaceship and thought how one could only preserve the fragile Planet by love instead of desecrating and destroying it by hatred.  She was the first in the whole world to declare her a citizen of the universe.  Before her, people had heard of the phrases like: a child of the world, a citizen of the Earth, but nobody had ever declared himself / herself a citizen of the Universe, a resident of the Milky way.  This was the entirely new phrase - an addition to the dictionary of human thought.  But this showed the scope of enlargement of one's vision and how much one could embrace in one's heart and soul.  This also shows the great sense of affinity that binds the creatures of the universe.  William Wordsworth felt "A presence that disturbs me with the sense of elevated thought / Whose presence is in the living air, the sun -the moon, rivers and fields / And the mind of man." Goethe says, "If one man attains the highest kind of love, it is sufficient to neutralize the hatred of millions." On the contrary, one man's hatred, one tyrant's wrath, can cause havoc on earth." The two World Wars, especially the World War II is a painful reminder of the holocausts perpetrated by Nazi Germany in the Concentration camps at Auschwitz and other bases resulting in the massacre of six million Jews and then the final devastation at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Therefore, the words of Peter Ustinov deserve to be repeated: "Each one of us is responsible for everything that happens to anyone in the world."  Truly, if only we can assimilate the sense of responsibility we will not cause any kind of injury to anyone; an undefined sense of affinity will bind all of us and that will promote harmony and goodwill everywhere -be it our family, our locality, our city, our country, our world, our earth, our universe. We have only to develop a larger view of life, tame our ego and curb our selfishness to create general goodwill; be a bit more loving instead of keeping on clamoring to be loved and constantly grudging that we are not loved enough. Mahatma Gandhi learnt one great lesson from Ruskin's Unto:- "The good of the individual is contained in the good of all." I feel this concept can be the guiding principle of life - right from the family level to the international forum of United Nations.

A word about the so called 'Generation Gap'- Often people talk of the generation gap - as if it is something unavoidable and inevitable. I consider the concept, the product of thoughtless minds, the water that keeps on flowing is ever pure, the air that keep on blowing is always fresh; it is only a stagnant water that gathers dirt and stench, it is only a closed room that will choke with foul air - Same is the case of the generation gap - we keep on standing mentally and intellectually at one point while the time keeps on moving.  We keep our brain boxes closed and lock them up with our prides and prejudices of caste, creed, colour and status and because of these obsolete thoughts and values we become so rigid and stubborn in our attitude that we turn deaf ears to the music of the times, listen to our children's needs, requirements, feelings and sentiments. All gaps are fake and illusory - all walls are demolish able and all gulfs bridgeable. If only we all can develop the habit of - listening to others' feelings - the feelings of our children - the feelings of our parents -it holds true of young and old, children and the aged - ours can be a much happier world.

Selfishness and egoism are the two chief maladies that infest human relationship in general and parent-child relationship in particular.  Children look at life from narrow materialistic viewpoint and feel that the love, the care and the blessings of elders are not worth the expenses that these things demand little realizing that any moment can be critical or momentous and any blessing may come handy to save one from a disaster.  On the other hand, the parents too are too self-conscious and oversensitive about their sense of prestige and respect.  Respect is always commanded, never demanded.  No one, any elder, parent or teacher should take children's respect for granted; one has to earn it by one's caliber, quality and worthiness.  Strangely enough they forget their age and trifle all their accumulated experience, knowledge and wisdom when they become critical of their sons and daughters-in-law.  Instead of showering love, kindness, and appreciation upon them, as they do to their daughters, they become too critical of their sons and daughters-in-law and thus provoking them to unnecessary retaliation.  They also become too possessive about their wealth and negate the very concept of joy of giving.  As a result they and their wealth keep on rotting and the life keeps on crawling on its path of misery and wretchedness.  The elders should become living embodiments of love and kindness, charity and goodwill, sweetness and courtesy, caring and sharing.

The saint poet Tulsidas says:

Tulsi meethe vachan se sukh upjat chahun ore,

Vashikaran yeh mantra hai tajiye vachan kathore.

[Sweetness of tongue creates happiness all around, One can conquer the entire world by this gentle weapon].

Sweet words are the weapons to win over the whole world but we forget to use this very tool in our own family, to our own children.  It is because to speak sweet words is to sweeten one's heart, to expel all sense of distinction and ego and replace it by the fragrance of helpfulness, love and kindness.  A bit of generosity, a bit of compassion and one can complete the journey of life joyfully and blissfully.  Old age is no more a burden - neither to oneself nor to children.  By this change in our outlook, both on the parts of young and the old, the society can enjoy a happy and healthy living.

Shakespeare's King Lear is a great example of the parent-child relationship.  Of Lear's three daughters two, Goneril and Regan, act selfishly, treat their father with utter callousness and meet a most wretched end, ultimately killing them because selfishness is an all devouring monster; "it mocks the heart it feeds on". A scorpion stings itself to death; a selfish person destroys himself sooner or later. The third daughter Cordelia, whom the King had in his folly sent away, forgets her wrongs and comes back to nurse her "child-wounded" father.  Her love is causeless - pure and simple like nectar.  She knows that she may suffer but she is prepared for everything: "We are not the first who with best meaning / Have incurred the worst." She fights for her father, serves him to her last breath and then dies. Lear himself says, "On such sacrifices gods themselves / Throw incense". I am sure the entire world joins King Lear in showering this praise on Cordelia. It takes all kinds of people to make the world, but it takes a few Cordelias to make it better and happier, to make life worthwhile because such characters /persons show us the beauty and worth of the sublime. Children of the world can certainly take a lesson from Cordelia and from Goneril and Regan.

Selfishness degrades and destroys us. Love is the greatest blessing of life. The sooner we realize this better for us. No one says that one should offer a blind reverence to one's parents but a sense of respect for the elders constitutes the very core of our social life.  All of us have to grow; somewhere in our consciousness we should never forget that. Parents are living gods no doubt, but it is equally appropriate and incumbent upon them to remember to be godly - gods only give - giving is the only way of getting. A true prayer is self-answered, virtue is its own reward, so to bless is to be blessed. Love and kindness are the greatest unused capital of the world. Ingrid Sherman, the great American philosopher says, "Look around, love is needed everywhere, from the smallest baby to the tallest man. Love is God's finest gift." The French philosopher Victor Hugo says, "The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved." Goethe asserts, "Nothing in the world is more precious than a loving heart" and Robert Browning, himself a great lover, says in his inimitable style, "Take away love and the earth is a tomb." Indeed love is the oil in the lamp of life. Keep on loving and enjoy the living. This is the simple art of living. This simplicity and purity, its holiness and artlessness constitute the very essence of life's fragrance. One can dance one's way in life from nine to ninety, if one keeps the flame of love burning in one's heart. It is certainly not easy. Asage said, "It is so simple to be great, just be simple". But it is certainly not easy to be simple; simplicity is a hard game because we have to overcome tough demons of our ego, our greed, our false sense of prestige, our over sensitiveness, over possessiveness and our desire to bless and to be blessed. But once we are able to adopt this approach the road is clear. The entire life becomes a pilgrimage and every moment gets filled with joy. The great saint poet Kabir says:

Yeh to gharhaiprem ka,

khala ka gharnaahin,/

Sees utare bhui dhare,

tab paithe gharmahi.

[Love is not a place of easy enjoyment at one's aunt's house,]

[To get an entry into this house of love is to place one's head on the floor, i.e. the head of ego and pride.]

Kabir also says:

Prem na bari up/a/,

prem na haat bikaye/

Raja, parjajo chahai,

sees dehileijayee.

[Love doesn't grow in the fields nor does it sell in the shops.]

[Anyone big or small has simply to offer his head to get it.]

That's why we have the concept, the most common phrase: "I've fallen in love". The 7' has to fall in order to love; lessens is the only way to blessedness.

Pothipadpadjug mua,

pandit bhaya na to//

Dhai akharprem ke

pade so pandit hoi.

[All the learning brings you no wisdom when you do not understand the simple word of love.]

Love is the crux of all knowledge. Humility is the crux of all wisdom.

Vidhya dadati vinayam, vinayam

dadati patratam.

[To be learned is to be humble and to be humble is to be worthy of love and respect.]

Sooner the elders acquire the sense of humility and realize the eternal value of love, and sooner the young people also realize the great value of love and blessings of the elders and curb their selfishness, the better it will be for both of them. They will be able to refine and chasten themselves into wonderful human beings and become a source of joy to themselves and to others. God is our great father, mother. We seek his blessings and we get his blessings only if we respect our elders. Any day in life can become a paradise for anybody on earth; it is just a question of changing one's outlook. Brihdaranyak Upanishad suggests the significance of three great virtues: datta (giving, charity), dayadhvam (compassion), damyata (self-control) (V.2). These three virtues sum up the quintessence of all civilizational values. Anyone who accepts and assimilates these thoughts, on him I am sure "gods themselves will throw incense".

May God bless all the children of the world with health and happiness and all the elders with joy, comfort and enlightenment!

- Vikram Chopra